Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird.

Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life.

Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a stunning and heartbreaking novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love.

Kissing her longtime bff Axel in his basement was the biggest event in Leigh Chen Sanders’ life so far, until she gets home and learns her mother has taken her own life. Set adrift by her devastation, Leigh shuts herself off from the world.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Liberty, this book sounds so sad!” Well, it IS sad. But it’s also full of life and hope. It’s a remarkable examination of love, loss and family, written with a dash of magic and some of the most vividly beautiful language I have read.

Through a series of strange sightings and gifts, Leigh becomes convinced a beautiful red talking bird is really her mother, calling her to seek her heritage. Leigh’s visceral desire to discover her roots and hold onto her mother is achingly realistic and human. Pan does a magnificent job bringing art and grief to life. Through Leigh’s journey to Taiwan she experiences some difficult moments, but they are also the most insightful of her life. It wasn’t always easy to read about her journey, but my heart is so glad that I did.